Making Friends with Your Ego (and Changing Your Life)
Do you ever feel stuck, with feelings of always being tired, stressed, or generally just lacking in some element of fulfilment and purpose?
The feeling that you know, deep down, something needs to change, but instead of confronting it, you carry on with the same self-destructive habits and choices that make you feel even worse. Does that sound familiar?
This is usually because your ego is making all the big decisions.
What exactly is the Ego?
The ego is a concept popularised by Sigmund Freud. It’s the part of your mind that helps you navigate the world, mediating between your primal instincts and socially constructed norms and values. It keeps you safe, aware of your own image, and is driven to achieve 'success'.
So in theory, that sounds like it should be a good thing, and to a certain extent, it is. It's something that's on your side and will keep you on the right path. However, there is a catch involved. When the ego has total, free reign over all decisions, it can become your own worst enemy. It can take you on a journey you just don't want to go on.
Think of the ego like a loud, arrogant, overconfident friend who insists they know what’s best for you. They know everything, they've been there, seen it, and done it (I've come across a few of those people in my life!), but actually it has no clue about what brings you genuine, true happiness. If it's left unchecked, and you don't rein it in, the ego thrives on external validation and can push you down the path that leads to stress, burnout, and those hollow feelings of emptiness.
How the Ego Can Sabotage You
Many successful, career-focused men live in a world that continuously feeds the ego. High salaries, promotions, business wins, peer approved awards, and social recognition all fuel this part of your identity.
There’s nothing wrong with earning good money or being proud of your achievements, but if the ego goes unchecked, it starts chasing extreme levels of success you may not even need, and that will certainly distract you from your true sense of self.
You get stuck in the endless pursuit of more:
More money
More recognition
More validation
And then what happens, you will burn out, feel totally disconnected from your true self, and lose sight of what really matters. The bigger picture. The purpose and the fulfillment your soul is craving.
It’s a bit like being on a treadmill where someone keeps turning up the speed. At first, you can keep up, but eventually, you’re sprinting and you can't carry on.
Signs Your Ego Is Running the Show
You feel a constant need and drive to have to prove yourself.
You seek approval from others, especially friends, family or peers in your career.
You chase goals that don’t align with your true, innate desires.
You struggle to slow down, to rest or feel satisfied.
You feel threatened or defensive when someone challenges your identity or choices.
There’s Another Voice: Your Higher Self
The good news is that there’s more to you than your ego. There’s also your 'higher self'. The the part of you that intuitively knows what brings peace, fulfillment, and genuine joy. The voice that asks you to be kind to yourself, to slow down and to love the person who you really are. The inner child, which you so often forget even exists.
The challenge in the first place is to realise you have this inner knowing. This intuitive understanding of you, without the attachment to external validation. Then there is the task of learning to distinguish between the two voices, like a monkey on each shoulder.
How to Make Friends with Your Ego
You don’t need to get rid of your ego. That’s impossible (and not the intended goal). What you need is to 'befriend' it, understand its role, and make sure it doesn’t run your life.
1. Recognise When Your Ego Is Speaking:
You can ssk yourself, 'Am I chasing this goal/target for external validation or because it genuinely matters to me?'
For example, if you’re going for a promotion in your career, is it because you’re excited about the role and responsibilities, or because you want to impress your peers, or your friends and family, and probably get a big payrise?
2. Challenge Ego-Driven Thoughts:
When you are thinking things like, 'I need to get to six figures (or the next relevant salary level). Ask yourself if this is really true. Is this really what you need to do in your life?
Try reframing the thought, and thinking about 'what would success look like if I wasn’t trying to impress anyone?'
3. Tune into Your Higher Self:
Spend time in silence, journaling, or doing creative activities that help you connect with what truly lights you up and makes you feel something inside. What makes you feel that spark of joy?
Meditation can be a powerful tool for separating ego chatter from intuitive wisdom.
4. Practice Gratitude:
By focusing on gratitude, this helps to shift your focus from what you don’t have to what you already do. The ego does not like this process and will often push back!
Each day, write down three things you’re grateful for, and you will notice how this simple practice can change your perspective.
5. Seek Clarity on What Matters Most:
Write down your core values and what brings you genuine fulfillment. Use this list to guide your decisions.
For example, if family time is one of your core values, but your ego keeps pushing you to work late, remind yourself of your true priorities. The more frequently you do this, the more likely it is that you will reframe your perspective and create new habits.
Why This Matters for High Achievers
When you’re used to seeking and achieving external validation, it can be hard to break free from ego-driven thinking. It has already become your normalised way of thinking, so to change it takes a conscious effort and practice.
When you make friends with your ego, you stop being driven by other people’s expectations and start living for yourself. You gain clarity, feel more at peace, and have the energy to pursue what truly matters.
And that’s where the magic happens.
It's Over to You:
Take a moment today to reflect on one decision (big or small) you’ve made recently. Was it driven by your ego or your 'higher self'? What do you think might change, in your life, if you listened to the latter more often than the ego?
'The decision to make the present moment into your friend, is the end of the ego' (Eckhart Tolle)